Monday, November 15, 2010

How To Start...

The Job.
Somehow I'm sure it's going to be super easy to write all about myself... As soon as I get this first post out of the way! I've been told that I tell great stories. I think it's mainly because I'm a crazy person for details. I love taking in the little things and adding them to a story that I tell. So let me just begin with my very best stories from my top-secret job:

-My very first day at my job was six and a half long years ago. On my very first day after training my manager abandoned me on the sales floor to handle a flood and a rogue mouse in the backroom. While I was working I put a woman in the fitting room to put on a piece of merchandise she had just bought, to wear out. Due to the fact that I was learning lots of new things on that first day, I completely forgot about her. Cut to thirty minutes later when I hear the sound of a screaming cat coming from the back of the store. I get back by the fitting room and realize that it is in fact not a screaming cat, it is the fitting room lady. I knock on the door and say "mam, are you doing ok in there?" To which she replied "noooooooo (in a meowish/cat way)!" She let me into the room. There she was. Completely naked, with her newly purchased item (that did not require complete nudity to put on), tangled in her curly hair. I can sympathize to the point since we shared the hair thing. But I get leaves and hair ties stuck in my hair. Not clothing! So there she stood, sweaty from the stress of the tangle. "Hellllllpppp me (meow!)!" So there I was- A college intern. Required to detangle this nude woman in order to graduate with a fashion merchandising degree. So I hopped in there. I detangled. Then she said "Drreesssss meeeee!" Down to her socks. I got her dressed. That began the first day with my top secret retail job.

- About two years after dressing the curly haired crazy woman I had been promoted to a store that required me to move down south. As in three hours down south. That store brought all kinds of crazy into my life. It brought a man. We called him "Big Al." He wasn't big. He was really skinny. And his name wasn't Al. It was Alex. He sat behind me in church two weeks in a row. He wore a giant gold chain around his neck and Bill Cosby type sweaters. He was absolutely not my type. After the two weeks he "accidentally" sat near me he stopped pretending. He would seek me out. One day he was talking to me and asked where I worked. When I revealed my top secret job to him he was instantly turned off. He got up and relocated. Jackpot! About a week later, right around closing time, I was called to the front of the store. Big Al was there. With carnations. Ugh. With a Bill Cosby sweater. Ugh. With two gold chains. Ugh ugh ugh. He told me he had realized he could "accept" me despite where I worked and was willing to go out with me. Ugggggggggh. The next week was inventory time. Inventory employees a company that consists of what we call "creatures of the night." Very creapy, sexual harraser, ex convicts come and count our merchandise from 6 p.m. to 3 a.m. At midnight the tornado struck. We ended up in the mall storm shelter while a tornado ransacked the mall, and the town. When we came out this is what we were greeted with:
Don't worry- My top secret job is not Sears!

So inventory was halfway through. Because it wasn't finished yet, it was cancelled and rescheduled for the next day. Uggggh. So back I went for night number two of counting 200,000 items. That night this delightful man was scheduled. Every time he moved he farted. Every time someone attractive would walk past him he'd "drop" something on the floor so they'd have to bend and pick it up. The icing on the cake was that he couldn't count. His job was to COUNT! So I finally went to his supervisor about his issues, who sent him home. So on his way out guess what he dropped.

Yes, I got to learn how to flush cocaine that night. Good times at the top secret retailer. The next day a customer had explosive diarrhea all over the floor and walls, which I had to clean up. I had enough. I moved back up north about a month later!

So, two stores after that I found myself at the most dangerous store the top secret company has. I had someone rap a death threat, while throwing merchandise at my head. I had someone attempt to steal a bench from the fitting room. A bench. It was the size of a piano bench, and they just walked out with it under their arm! I moved along to my safest store (my sixth) almost two years ago. It's safer, but in the last six weeks we've had:
-An associate faint and throw up everywhere as she was coming to.
-Another associate faint and crack her head on the way down (Both fainters were on the same day).
-A supervisor come in with scabies (ewwwww).
-Someone throw up on, or have diarrhea, all over the fitting room carpet and leave without telling us (4 times!!!).
It's safe to say that my job will always be interesting.

I'm convinced that at some point in my life I will not work retail. I will be normal. Shopping on Black Friday will be avoided, I will have weekends off, and I will adjust to waking up at 6 a.m. on a daily basis. Instead Black Friday is the highlight of my work year for the potluck we throw in my back room and the fact that the day flies by, I work Saturday nights, and I get to sleep in until 10 a.m. on a Tuesday. For now this is my life. And it's interesting...

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