Wednesday, November 24, 2010

27?!?!?!?!?! Gulp...

I will be 27 in 3 days. It's my golden birthday this year! I remember being 6 or 7 when I heard about golden birthdays and feeling so impatient that mine wasn't going to be for a looonnnng time! I was going to be old. I was going to be someone's mom when my golden birthday hit! Unless I find a baby on a my doorstep in the next 3 days that will not be true! I don't actually feel or think I look old either! I feel 17. I feel a little smarter, thank God, but my brain still thinks I'm 17. Sometimes it hurts if I sit in the same position for awhile. I attribute that to many car accidents (another post can be dedicated to just those!), not to aging though. I don't have grey hair. It's a genetic toss up about when that'll happen, but as of now- I don't!

I don't look old. I don't feel old. I don't think I look like someone's mom. I don't feel like I'm ready to be someone's mom. I'm really over being told I should be. I'm really over my body telling me I should be. I'm really over my grandmother telling me I should be- Or worse random people. "So, are you dating anyone? Oh you probably should be settling down one of these days..." It makes me really angry that I'm getting older. It makes me angry that I care. Because I wouldn't if I was in a different place in my life. I don't care about wrinkles, and I don't care about grey hair (probably because I would just color it away anyway)! I care about my goals. In college I made a list. I made a list of all kinds of goals. I had to do it for a class. It was professional goals and benchmarks. I took it a step further. Once I turned in my assignment I added on personal things. I  added that I wanted to be kinder to my family. I added that I wanted to go to church every week. I added that I wanted to exercise 4x's a week. I added that I wanted to buy a new car by the time I was 21. I added that I wanted to buy my first house by the time I was 24. I added that I wanted to be married by 25. I added that I wanted to have my first baby at 27. (Side note- Do we think I'm a type A personality?!) I have accomplished every single thing on that list. Everything. I bought the car early. I earned the promotion early. I did go to the gym off and on... ahem... 4 x's a week. I bought my first condo at 21. I am an achiever. I am competitive, even if the only thing I'm competing against is myself and some aggressive goals on a paper.

The getting married thing I just assumed would happen. I wasn't one of those girls in college after my MRS degree. Quite frankly I was very immature. I missed out on a lot of normal social experiences in my teens, and made up for a lot of them in college. I had my first boyfriend as a freshman in college. That's pretty late. I know. Marriage was not on my mind. Having friends, going to class, buying cool clothes, having a guy that liked me, those were things on my mind. Between semesters I took my long trip to Africa. When I got back it, again, wasn't about getting married like so many girls were doing at my school (I went to a private college where marriage happened more often than binge drinking! I had a different college experience than many!), it was about my new-found self and my new-found relationship with God. It was about surviving now that I realized how American I was! I excelled in school, and found myself getting offered a full time position with the top secret retailer while I was a senior in college, wrapping up my internship. I took it! Just like that, my time in school was gone. I moved for work, and moved up. I checked things right off of my list! I was the youngest store manager in the company's history. I owned my own home. I had the brand new car. I sound very shallow. But, I was very pleased with myself. Shortly after being promoted again I met V. V was, and unfortunately still is, the love of my life. I fell in love. Hard. I finally realized how people get married. I realized why they wanted to! It wasn't some competitive, check off of a list, thing like so many things I've done in my life have been. Who even knows what I'd do for a living. I have my job now because I just wanted to win against someone else. Sad. Back to V though- He didn't want kids. It ended. Since then it's like I've been searching for a drug and it's like time is on fast forward! Now I've felt love! Now I actually want more than any other thing I've put on my list for that to happen. For me to find "the one." (I hate "the one" by the way. I think it sounds cheesy. So does soulmate. But whatever.) 

Now that I want it I feel like I'm failing miserably. 2007-2010 have been filled with tons of dating and tons of heartbreak. I've held out hope though. Even though I didn't hit my marriage date on my goal list, didn't mean I'd missed the baby date. I could meet someone, and date them, and get engaged, and plan a wedding, and get pregnant by such and such date and still make it by 27- I kept telling myself. Now it's here. Now I'd have to run to the courthouse with a stranger and find a baby on a doorstep to make it. I feel like I've failed miserably. I feel angry. SO angry! Why am I a woman? That sucks! I have 10 years of decent fertility left before I have to give up. 10 years. I hate that I feel limited by a calendar. That if I meet someone in 8 years, my chances of a surprise pregnancy, rather than medical intervention, are so slim. I'm SO angry! I'm 17 in my brain! It took me longer to grow up! I wanted to wait until I met the right guy and was sure I wasn't settling! I wanted to travel with my husband just have FUN before we had kids. I had these plans. 

One of my favorite quotes ever is:
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
-John Lennon

Why am I type A? Why am I such an obsessive planner? My plan is what is making this birthday so hard! I'm angry that I'm angry. I have a great life! I got to spend my day in pj's decorating my house! I get to buy fun stuff with my bonus checks! I get 10 hrs. of sleep a night if I want it! I didn't want this shallow life though. I wanted a person that wanted to marry me. I wanted kids. I wanted to meet my goals on time! I'm only 27. I don't have grey hair. I don't feel old. I'm just sick of my stupid check list making me feel old. I'm sick of my facebook college friends that have 2 or 3 kids making me feel old. I'm sick of my Grandmother making me feel like I've failed at life because I'm alone. I'm sick of being a girl and want to be a dirty old man that is fertile forever. I'm sick of even thinking about fertility- How fun is that? I'm sick of being crabby! I'm super super super sick of this third-of-the-way-through-life crisis I've got going on! This is where I am in my brain:
-Baby Erin: 1983
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
-Current Erin: 27ish
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
-Death


Morbid, and dramatic, I know. I am that kind of person though! 27 is frustrating. It's frustrating because I just don't know what's next. I'm scared. I'm scared that I didn't prioritize things in my life and I've missed the boat. Even if I'm scared, I'm 9% excited. :-)

Sorry. It's a pessimistic post. But, it's my blog. I'll post something happy soon! This is a good week! One of my brothers is coming to town for Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is amazing, in and of itself, plus who wouldn't be excited when they knew their week would include gravy!? My birthday age freaks me out, but I'm very excited for the day itself, and I'm very excited that I get to spend it with my amazing family. And, Black Friday is this week. Black Friday is a fun adrenaline rush at work that I love. 

So for now, I leave you with my pessimism, and my third-of-the-way-through-life timeline...

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