Monday, May 20, 2013

Being Engaged Sucks

How rude of me huh?! I spend a decade complaining about how I want to get married and now I am about to. And I complain! But after googling "is it normal to fight all the time after getting engaged" and seeing the words pop up before I finished typing I figured I wasn't alone. 

First off:
I adore this man. I am 1000% making the right decision. 

But the seriousness of this whole thing just came crashing down as soon as the ring was on. I'm going to be washing his crusty socks and folding his jeans for the rest of my life. He will eat all of the good food I was excited for before I get to. He will use fabric softener instead of detergent when he hears me complaining about the laundry and decides to help. He will not do things my way. 

I'm at the brink of this whole thing coming a little too late. I've lived on my own for the last 8 years. Completely alone. I've always refused to get a roommate in an apartment or for my house. Me, the dog, and the cat were a complete little family. I could stash a chocolate bar in my pantry for 3 months and pull it out in a moment of desperation and know it would be there. I could put the toilet paper on with it folding over the top and know that nobody would do it backwards. I could sleep with it super warm so that my nose didn't get cold. I could sing badly and nobody would hear. 

It's all about to change. A year from now it might have been too late for me and I thank God for his timing. 

Not only that, but I am signing on the dotted line that this one and only man is the only man that will ever ever be for me. I'm great with that. But then he does something and I think, "ok wait. That for the rest of my life?!" And I wonder if I'll be enough. What do I do that makes him think "Ok wait, she'll be that OCD for the rest of her life?!" We're making some serious vows! And I hope I can be a great wife. A great mother. I just hope I can be enough. And he is putting pressure on himself. Will he provide enough? He's about to inherit a woman, a dog, a cat, a house, another car, and a whole life full of responsibility. 

On top of that the wedding is this year. I have 1 more week off before it. I need to plan. Planning has brought out the great and the terrible in people. I hate making phone calls, yet lately it seems like all I do! It'll be amazing, but it's stressful. If it'll all work, if I'll forget something major, if it'll be wayyyy too expensive, will I fit into my dress, etc. Those are all things that are looming. 

Then there is family. We have to merge two families. All of the great things and all of the junk have to merge. My mom always told me to take a long hard look at a man's family before you agree to marry him. 

Put all of this commitment, all of the little things that you're realizing will be a part of your life forever, all of the set-in-my-ways stuff I have to let go of, family, and all of the planning that has to happen together and there will be fights. I found this site (I don't know the owner. It just was great reading)! It made me feel like I wasn't alone. I also talked to my mom. She said every thing I'd been feeling and gave me advice. This weekend we went on a date where I banned myself from talking about the wedding. It was heaven! 

So I have no resolution. I am incredibly blessed to be typing this with an engagement ring on my finger, his crusty socks in my hamper, and wedding pamphlets everywhere. This will pass and I'll look back later and wonder what the big deal was. I just needed to put it in print so I could look back later :)

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