Monday, January 19, 2015

The Home Stretch

I have pneumonia. At 9 months pregnant. I was feeling pretty good about this pregnancy thing until that struck. Now I'm counting the days. Because I'm home sick I'm mass writing blog posts. Right now I have 27 days until my due date. By the time this is published I may have my baby girl though! 

Her bed is ready:
Our bags are packed:
My dad has terrified Chris by giving him a childbirth kit in case we don't make it to the hospital in time (please God no!)
And she looks pretty fully cooked to me!
We've come a long way baby girl!

I know that when I do go into labor I'm going to have a big weep. I'm going to miss her on the inside. I do not love being big. Apparently I've started to waddle. I can't pick things off the floor. I have terrible heartburn as I type this. My maternity clothes are starting to not even fit over my belly and I definitely haven't been able to tie my shoes for at least a month! But… I love waking up and feeling her kick. I love the mystery of trying to figure out what each bump is (a leg maybe?). I love the unknown of wondering what her little face will look like and the kind of person she'll be. I love knowing she is alive. I love that she's safe right now…

 What if her cord wraps around her neck when she is being born and she dies? What if SIDS strikes when she is a month old and she dies? What if she darts into the street or takes a stranger's hand when she is 3 and is kidnapped and dies? What if she drives too fast as a teenager and she dies? What if she lets some bad guy convince her she isn't the most special person ever and finds herself abused? 

I will never not be scared again. Being a mom is the scariest thing I've ever experienced and I'm not even there yet. Every time I've been on a plane with my mom I've laughed at her for how much she has white knuckled her way through the whole thing. She has always said "wait until you're a mom. You'll be scared of everything. I have so much to lose if this plane crashes." Now I get it. It started the second I saw that second pink line. I was scared I would miscarry. I just had to make it to my second trimester. Then I made it and I was scared that she would be born too early to be viable. Then it was that she would be premature and a sick little lady. Now I'm afraid for when she is born. I am forever changed.

My goodness I'm an emotional wreck. I'm so glad to be near the end and can't wait to share my little Lila with you all! Thanks for being with me on the journey!

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