Wednesday, May 23, 2012

I Need to Throw the Stupid Thing Out Already!

I drink out of this silly thing about once a week 
I own mugs. I've had dark grey mugs years before the color was trendy. Then I got this thing. Not only did I get this thing but I got a Notre Dame pint glass, a stuffed dog holding a heart, and a tee shirt. Over a decade of dating and this is what I'm left with. Mismatched mugs and glasses... Yes, I've been nearly married to someone I dated for a year. Yes. I've been in love, now, twice. Yes this is all I have to show for it. I meet men that I know have amazing qualities deep down there. They show them in the beginning and something about Erin makes them say "ok now that I brought her this pint glass we're ok." "As long as I don't say the words 'Happy Birthday' I don't have to get her anything." 
I inspire laziness. It's disgusting and makes my insides twist up and prepare for tears. All of those deep down there qualities aren't nearly enough when all you get is a mug. I'm not even a needs gifts girl. Clearly. But I can't imagine someone thinking of me and bringing me flowers. Just because they like me. Or getting something not sold at Walgreens for my birthday. Or EVER getting a Christmas present from a man. And I don't know why some of the dreadful women I meet DO get those things. 

 Is anyone else out there sedimental in strange ways? Maybe it's my fashion background. I can't remember the words. I certainly can't remember the date. But I'll never forget the smells. The feels. The clothes I wore. How I felt in them. Even the underwear I wear when something big happens in my life.   I remember wearing this on my first dare with V.
 We saw a movie after dinner. He held my hand and I knew I'd be in love with him. I remember him coming over the night I'd gotten this shirt and perfume. 
Both were new. We broke up. I got so hot because I was sad, or crying or something. I had a blue cami underneath. I tossed this off. I remember thinking that I'd hate this perfume forever. It still reminds me of losing my best friend. I don't wear either perfume anymore but still keep them. 

 I remember wearing these sandals and perfume the whole summer with M. 

I wore this shirt on one of my favorite dates.

 I am wearing this dress in the M pic to the right. I also wore it on my first date with my most recent loss. 

I wore this perfume every time. I felt so pretty that first date night. It was last July and the weather was amazing. Every other guy would tell me how great I smelled. Maybe that's why I remember the perfumes. I never got that compliment with this one. And, It reminds me. So it'll go into my box of extra beauty stuff too. 

 Too transparent? I love this blog. It's like therapy. Or a journal. But, it's perminant. I have also been "outed" somewhat and people from my family, my friends, college, and my past jobs read this. Maybe even some of the guys I've talked about. Feelings are so much easier to talk about when  you're anonymous sometimes. Being a dork is easier too. That's my musing for now. I also think about the movie Runaway Bride where she eats her eggs differently with each guy. She'd lost herself that much that she changed with each guy. Is that me with my perfume and style? I hope not. Do the lost even know they are lost though? This is who I am these days. 
Philosophy lotion and wash replace perfume most days. I live in comfy jeans, soft tees, and ballet flats. I wonder if they will also be part of an ex memory pile someday...

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